Friday, May 29, 2009

Breaking News! House Speaker Swears Off Botox Treatments!

The House Speaker - Au naturel

Citing a progressive decline in her cognitive abilities which has seemed to accelerate the past few years, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has decided to give up her long term addiction to botox cosmetic therapy.
"The doctors told me that it couldn't get into my brain. They were obviously wrong," Pelosi said. "That stuff just made me just so confused. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't remember things. Things I did remember, I felt the urge to lie about. I couldn't help it. It was embarassing watching myself on TV. I sounded like an idiot. I knew I had to change. And I did. I went cold turkey. I know I look like shit, but it's a small price to pay to have a fuctioning mind."
Pelosi admits having supported the enhanced interrogation program. "This happened what, six, seven years ago. I wasn't completely brain dead yet which you have to be to oppose such a beneficial policy."
Pelosi says she plans to give up politics. "It's a revelation being able to think clearly. I see now just how messed up I was. After more than 30 years in politics I plan on getting a real job. Maybe open up a small business serving military families. I'm considering moving near Fort Hood in Texas, somewhere in the heartland. I need to get away from the sordid, hedonistic environment where I now live." (San Francisco).
When asked what she regretted most about her muddled minded past, Pelosi became emotional and responded, "No question. Actively opposing the Bush administration. I'd like to take this opportunity to publicly apologize to the American people for the damage I caused the country. And to say how sorry I am to all the members of the magnificent Bush team from the lowliest staffers to Karl Rove and Dick Cheney and of course, to the great man himself, George W. Bush."

Sorry, I couldn't resist. I promise at some point to balance this tasteless cheap shot with a similar one at a hard core Republican. Maybe Olympia Snowe. Or Susan Collins. Colin Powell perhaps.

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